Behind the Blank Stare

Tears of joy, sorrow, or angry. Feelings of hurt, happiness or pain. I have always found that showing to much emotion was a sign of weakness. I never wanted to be that girl that cried in ever sappy movie, or bursted in tears when her best friend called her a degrading name. That was never me and still to this day isn't me. Sure, I show emotions when there is a realistic reason, but I find it slightly pathetic that people can't hold themselves together. It shows a sign of strength to me that you won't crumble when the going gets tough and that's the way I control my emotions.

I have been thinking greatly about emotions lately, with all the change going on in my life and have found that I don't like to think about it. It is a way of building up a wall because I am afraid to get hurt. I am afraid that if I show a slight glimpse of my feelings that someone will take them right from under me. Emotions make up the most delicate part of a human and can me damaged so easily, that is it really worth even showing? I ask myself this through each conversation, text, and interaction, hoping that I will not give away something that I will later regret. Going with the flow has always been my way of dealing with the feelings I have towards something and it has always worked well for me. Until I needed to grow up.

When times get rough and I feel hurt I push my emotions and feelings so deep inside in order to get rid of the sorrow that when I need them I can't find them. I sit here and think about what I want and how I feel about this situation. And all I can say is I don't know. A defense mechanism that needs to be broken is the strongest wall of all. Unbreakable to outsiders, and the lucky ones can barley brake little pieces away. The fear of getting betrayed or hurt by someone gets in the way for expressing my true views and is stopping me from listening to not only my head but my heart. As I have grown I have seen a side of people where to show your feelings it doesn't have to be through tears, but soft spoken gentle words. Or even nothing at all. I have seen a side of sharing emotions that is a strength and not a weakness, I admire these people so much. There bravery and courage inspires me as well as there dry eyes as they recite sentences that come straight from the heart.

-Maddie